Creative Insults

One of the things that used to annoy me a great deal was the limited number of ways to insult someone using only the traditional cuss words (shit, fuck, bitch, damn etc).  In particular, there was this one boy in the 8th grade who really sent over the edge one day when he “accidentally” stepped on a packet of mustard and squirted it all over my new shoes.  I think I called him a “fucking bitch” at least seven times in a row.  Eep.

He was an ass in general.  He was the proverbial “suck-up” to the preppies; always trying to be one of them, unaware that they were constantly making fun of him behind his back.  As a result, he thought he was better than the rest of the freaks/geeks/nerds etc., and tried to show it by acting like a jerk.

That said, I should also mention that I don’t normally ever make light of someone’s problems with weight or speech impediments, but for him, I’ll make an exception.

Another person that I remember vividly (from time to time) was this girl with bright blond hair, perfect white teeth, size 2 pants (at the most), who also happened to have gobs of money that she liked to draw attention to as much as possible.  In other words, she was the poster girl of the “preppie bitch” category.

So now that I’m older and slightly wiser, I have decided to make up yet another A-Z list detailing the best insults I can think up, paired alphabetically with various animals, and said animal’s characteristics/traits.  Heh.  You’ll see what I mean soon, I think.  I discovered that comparing a human’s personality with the normal behavior of–say–a dog, is not normally conducive to civil conversations.   :)

A - You know, even though armadillos have a bad tendency to turn up dead on the side of highways, they’re still kind of cute the rest of the time.   You rather remind me of an armadillo, minus the latter half of the statement.

B – Bears hibernate during the cold months of the year.  Ever wonder what their breath must be like after that?  After being around you, I certainly don’t.

C – Do you suppose that you were a cat in a previous life?  Like cats, you have a cute exterior, and you also seem to get great pleasure out of sticking your claws into hapless victims . . . like me.

D – You know what the difference is between you and a dog?  Dogs cool off by wagging their tongues out.  You, on the other hand, just seem to find it cool to wag your tongue .  Trust me, it’s not.

E – I know you find yourself to be magnificent and handsome like the great eagle, but I must admit that your presence reminds me more of the dead fish caught inside of said eagle’s mouth.

F – The only difference between your manic bitching and a finch’s endless twittering is that your voice is pitched lower . . . slightly.

G – You and your friends remind me a bit of geese; not only do you move in a preset formation, but you also find it of great import to constantly honk in my general direction.

H – Like the Hungarian Horntail, I sincerely believe that you’ll be an important facet of someone’s book someday.  However, that means that at present, your fame is only as big as your own head.

***Side note:  I just realized that these all kind of sound like Professor Snape from the Harry Potter series.***

I -You have the world view of an inchworm.  And no, that’s not a compliment.

J – You’re like a jellyfish–cool to look at, painful to interact with.

K – Your feet are as big as a kangaroo’s, but unlike you, the kangaroo knows how to put theirs to good use.

L – Your hairstyle rather reminds me of a lion:  wild and scary.

M – You know, monkeys screech and throw shit at one another too; perhaps you’d be happier if you went home.

N – Is it possible you were a nightingale in a previous life?  Not only do you sing like them, but you also shit on everyone too.

O – An octopus has suction pads on the underside of its tentacles.  You, on the other hand (so to speak), just suck.

P – At least when a pig dies, it usually does so for a useful reason.  I doubt you’ll be able to say the same at the end of your life.

Q – Unlike you, the quail actually is a distinctive looking creature.

R – When in danger, a rabbit will either freeze or make a run for it.  You, on the other hand, just keep talking.

S – Snakes can be made to regurgitate their prey nearly whole.  In contrast, you just regurgitate other people’s ideas whole.

T – Having conversations with you is  like talking to a turtle inside its shell:  pointless.

U – I think in the next life you’ll be an umbrella bird; that way, your overinflated ego will have somewhere to go.

V – Your study habits remind me strongly of the eating habits of vultures.  You wait for others to do the work and then you scavenge from the leftovers.

W - The difference between you and whales is that those creatures occasionally come up for air.

X - Your motives are as flimsy as an x-ray fish.

Y – You remind me of a yellowjacket wasp:  Not only do you freak the hell out of me, but I also can’t tell if there’s actually a reason for your existence.

Z – If you take the stripes away from a zebra, they’re just a horse.  So does that mean that if we take away your mouth, you’ll just be a regular ass?


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~ by lastcrazyhorn on August 23, 2009.

6 Responses to “Creative Insults”

  1. I do believe that’s the funniest thing you’ve ever written. I’m laughing my head off1

  2. Hah, these are really cute!

    (from a proud owner of Lion Hair, no less)

  3. You could give R. Lee Ermey a run for his money. Remember him in “Full Metal Jacket”? He’s reportedly that good in real life, able to creatively cuss at you for 20 minutes at a time without repeating himself.

  4. Good show! This is one of the funniest things I’ve seen this week (and I’ve seen George Carlin’s ‘Seven Dirty Words’, so you’re among very fine company).

    Although, one small point – octopuses, unlike squid and cuttlefish, lack tentacles. Their appendages are all called arms, whereas a squid will have arms and some tentacles. Minor detail, but I really enjoyed my HS marine science class, and I have a thing about cephalopods.

  5. heee. this totally had me giggling. especially “F”.

  6. This post is a great treat after having not been around to visit lately! Thank you for the laughs!

    I have some to add. If I remember how to put a link in correctly, you can read these:

    When Insults Had Class

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