As the Instruction says on the WordPress Screen: “Write Page”
(written in 2007, post aspie dx)
cold wind blowing in my face
smell of dead trees in the air
blindly walking forwards
reaching out armsmet with broken darkness
eery toothless silence
gumming its way past my ears
into my brainblue, but mostly black
gray with dirt
smeared glasses
blurry figuresstanding around me
watching me stumble
seeing what I don’tthinking crunchy thoughts
pushing past them
raspy fingertips on my arms
on my neckchilling me, shaking me
can’t see, won’t look
they’re everywhere
close my eyesand run, feet pounding
tripping over obstacles
violently afraid
falling through helpless aircurled so tight
holding on
my mind, my ears
screaming a voiceless screammatching the shrieking wind
never landing the same plac twice
bouncing, sliding
down a glassy inclinecold cuts into my back
bruises under clothes
from impacts of sharp rocks
raining down around meburning with speed
internal vibrations
threatening to shake me apart
split me inside-outgravity no longer working
could fly off the ground
afraid of heights
glad when I do land at lastnestled in deep chilling mud
settles thickly around me
dulling my movements
constricting my chest
choking the life out of meI can hear them
thoughts around me
poking me with sticks
wide-eyed jabssomething beneath my skin
struggles to break free
pushing me farther down
by pulling itself upstench of gagging
chittering rodents fall
on my rotting fleshas the figures stand around
watching me struggle
glaring with needles
rusty knivessharp dagger teeth in my neck
voices all standing up together
pushing me farther into the mucktoo many here
blocking out the light
can’t movewhile bladed prongs work their way
out into the air
slaying the rats
breaking the glares
slashing at the turmoil withinand around
screaming, sinking farther
past nowhere
past forwardsall that is me
is not complete
two halves broken out
one without body
one without soulfighting
crying
screaming
hiding
being differentdifferent words
same meaning
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(written in 2007, post aspie dx)
Words create me forwards to backwards and backwards to forwards me create words.
An example of a word order palindromic sentence.
================================================
But check this out: word order palindromic poetry.
(written in 2007, post aspie dx)
Batman, am I barely complete?
am I somehow, however, hurt?
I know others that say norms of life with people
means certain lifestyles and
standards set between good and bad,
everyone is different, yet same
the autism makes everyone strange and
is that too odd?
autistics are special
is Batman different?
somewhat different
Batman is special
are autistics really odd too?
that is strange
everyone makes autism the same
yet different is everyone
bad and good between set standards
and lifestyles certain
means people with “life of norms” say that
others know I hurt
somehow, however, I am complete
Barely, I am Batman
================================================
(written in 2007, post aspie dx)
Wandering through,
am I far too gone?
Have I forgotten and left behind all importance?
of things, these rules of life
This action of pain encompassing all worth
making life of nothing constantly happening
thoughts unpleasant
loneliness seeing logically
when I am tired
because looking forwards about something
there’s life beyond all that I am
questions unanswered
allowed not
and unacceptable and
not allowed
unanswered questions
am I that?
all beyond life?
there’s something about forwards looking, because
tired am I when
logically seeing loneliness
unpleasant thoughts happening constantly
nothing of life making worth
all encompassing pain of action
this life of rules
these things of importance all behind,
left and forgotten
I have gone too far
I am through wandering
================================================
(Jul 11, 2005)
………………………know…………………….the…………………………..
…………………..feeling………………………..know…………………….
…………………the…………………………………feeling …………….
…………..where………………………………………you…………….
……….think……………………………………………..the…………
……feeling………………………………………………….makes..
……..some…………………….kind………………………….of..
………..sense…………………………………………….some..
………….kind……………………of……………………sense..
……………where………………………………………all…..
…………………..is…………….lost……………….and….
…………………….none…………………………..is……
……………………….found………………….know….
……………………………the……………..feeling…
………………………………where…….you……
………………………………………can’t……….
………………………………………hide?…….
================================================
(Jul 11, 2005)
when you stare
………………………stare………
……………………..stare…….
…………………….stare…..
unendingly at the..wall…..
……………………..wall…..
………………………wall…..
and everything seems…..
………………………..to go..
…………………………….go..
……………………………..go..
and everything inside you….
………………………….you….
…………………………you….
seems to slow….slow….slow.
and you feel like you know….know….know…
everything you’ll ever know….know….know…
but
.
there’s
.
nothing…..nothing…..nothing…..nothing…..nothing
more……more……more……more……more……
out…….out…….out…….out…….out…….
……………………………………………………………. ……………there…
except
.except
..except
………………………_____you_____……………………
and that
………………………_____white____……………………
………………………_____blank____……………………
…………………._____…_wall_…______………………
……………_________.._wall_..__________………..
……._____________.__wall_.______________…
================================================
(Jul 12, 2005)
It’s like syrup
……..dripping
…..dripping ..
dripping …
down your face
…….and arms
and it fills you…..r—
———–mouth and
cot–tons your teeth
and throat
and head
until you’re full
…………………and silent
and still
and nothing around you moves
not a w-h-i-s-p-e-r
….dares reach your ear……
not a sound dares touch your skin or mind
and yet you do
…………………feel
……………………..something
something just beyond
something just beyond your
something just beyond your within
out and yet in
it vibrates
…………..silently
………………….., forcefully
……………………………….., uncontrollably
until in that silence
……………..bareness
……………..empty space
you are moved–
………………………..not
………………………..by something you hear
……………………………………………or see
………………………………………..or touch
…………………………………..or taste
….but…..
rather by something
………that
…………………………..is
………………………_________in_________
you
silent,
but
…………………..loud
================================================
(Jul 12, 2005)
It’s not an if
………………or a then
or a maybe
or a but
or a well
or a someday
it’s not a oh
or a kinda
or semi
it’s not a future tense
or a past tense
or a once upon a fucking time
it’s not a goal
or a promise
or a lie
or an “I wish,”
……………or I will be
…………….or it will be
……………..or we will be
…it’s
a
now….
…it’s
a
me…
…it’s an I am
……..a this is
………here we fucking are kinda deal
currently
THIS
IS
================================================
(Jul 13, 2005)
……how…………………………………………………………many
……times………………………………………………………..can
…..i stand……………………………………………………..to smile
……smile……………………………………………………….smile
…………………………………that
…………………………………one
………………………………..happy
………………………………..smile
………………………….over and over
…………………….again……………..like
………………..nothing…………………ever
……………happens………………………..or
………….ever…………………………….happened
i’m fine just fine and dandy
no, nothing’s wrong
how are you
just a little zoned out right now
don’t mind me
an off day
or an off week
or an off month
or maybe,
………………………………………………..an off life.
================================================
I might note btw, that these were all written pre-diagnosis.
================================================
(Aug 02, 2005)
mush dripping mush
yellow, waxy
sticks to my fingers as I press against
the wall
I push
it’s solid
yet not
slipping sideways
I lean
leaning into my downhill curve
staring and not seeing
sliding off the side of the world
================================================
(Aug 19, 2005)
Today, I choose to stand
Against the wind
Against the current–
that threatens to pull me under
Today I walk forward
Against the crowd
Through the mud–
that threatens to pull me under
Today I swim across
Against the cold and wet
Past the monster–
that threatens to pull me under
Today, I fly above the clowds
Into the sun
Through the storm–
that threatens to pull me under
Today I stand.
================================================
(Nov 13, 2006)
Grandmother, help me find a way that I may go home
Go home, I tried to say to the one who never listens
Never listens, that’s what they say that I do
I do, I do not, you don’t listen, why should I care?
I care because if I don’t, no one will
One will reach out and touch the stars if we let them
Let them fly, let them by, just don’t hurt anyone
Hurt anyone, then hurt me, I’ve already been hurt
Been hurt, not been heard, what’s wrong with this picture?
This picture is trapped in my head, next to the darkness
The darkness that envelops, the darkness that is
That is the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen
Ever seen a mismatched shirt? How about a disjointed persona?
Disjointed persona, that’s me all right. Can’t walk can’t dance can’t do
Can’t do anything right, that’s what they tell me
Tell me I can stop, tell me to stop, make me try again
Try again, this isn’t right at all Grandmother, help,
Grandmother, help; I need help to find me a way that I may go home
================================================
(Nov 13, 2006)
Can you see in the dark?
When they come for me, you won’t know me;
Not because I asked you to lie,
but because you will forget my presence
Can you see in the dark?
Sometimes I cry out, asking for help
but no one comes,
Because you don’t really believe me
Can you see in the dark?
You’d like to say you do, to keep from scaring me;
but I know what it all comes down to
we all know, all of us.
==============================================
(Nov 14, 2006)
I suppose that being terrified is something you just slowly get used to
day after day after bloody day
in and out
you close your eyes, it’s still there
you go to sleep, it’s still there
you go to work, it’s still there
in and out
out and in
just so tired of it all
they say that they want to help
and I want help
but not how they say
in and out
out and in
every bloody day
I stand at the edge of all things
I am not afraid
I will not jump
although life terrifies me
I will not jump
because some days, you just keep going
just because
you don’t give yourself a choice
you just plod on
just because
in and out
out and in
every bloody day.
================================================
(Nov 14, 2006)
I went forwards so far,
only to realize that I was stalking my own backside
one…………………….follows………………………one
here……………………and there…………………..until
there…………………..is more than……………….just a
person…………………and another……………….person
there…………………..is a line and……………….a time
that…………………….continues…………………..on
without………………..so much as…………………a whisper
it just………………….becomes a………………….thing
which………………….is and………………………..isn’t
it can………………….travel…………………………on
its……………………..own,…………………………..but
does…………………..not…………………………….it
merely……………….breathes………………………in and
out like……………….it is alive……………………..and why
not? Why……………can’t it also…………………..just be here like us?
================================================
(Nov 14, 2006)
You don’t give yourself a chance
yes I do
You don’t allow yourself to live
yes I do
You don’t try, you don’t reach
yes I do
You accept what there is
no I don’t
You accept your shortcomings
maybe
You accept being bad at life
maybe
You accept the bad things that you can change
but I don’t want to change
You never try hard enough
not true
You never try good enough
maybe
You don’t do like I say
You don’t do what I ask
You don’t fix things
God, why are we stuck with you?
maybe I do try and you don’t see
Hasn’t happened yet!
maybe I like how I am
Then why am I here?
maybe it’s okay that I’m not good enough
Why should that be okay?
maybe I am stupid
You shouldn’t be!
but maybe I am
maybe I should just give up
maybe it isn’t worth it at all
Damn it, that’s the most annoying thing about you!
You shouldn’t give up; you should keep on
You should be more than what you are
Why aren’t you more?
I try to help
I try to help so much
but I am stupid
it’s okay,
I’m used to it
Not the correct answer!
You come back here!
Answer me!
Why aren’t you better than how you are now?
You should be!
but I can’t,
I tried,
it didn’t work
You should be!
I can’t
you don’t know what it’s like
to fail and fail and fail
You don’t fail
You don’t quit
You don’t just not do what you’re supposed to do
Damn it, you’re better than this
You’re not quitting
You’re not stopping
You’re fixing this now!
but I don’t know how
and I’m scared
and it’s dark
and there are monsters out
Damn it! How old are you?
Get a hold of yourself
You are strong
You are capable
Just do it damn it
Just stand up for yourself
Stop crying!
Stop being less than you are!
Start trying again
Don’t give up
They can’t beat you down!
I’m already beaten
I already lost
there’s really no point in fixing anything now
No, we don’t accept that
tough
There’s so much more to you
We don’t understand why you can’t be more
We don’t understand
We don’t.
================================================
(Dec 25, 2006)
Feels like I’m an exoskeleton
over a form that has no shape
and when I drink
or breathe
or live out loud
it escapes–
or tries to–
in a violent, writhing form
Feels like I’m just a witness
to a sound that has no pitch
that screams
all night
and all day
inside my head
and my skin
with a piercing, stabbing sound
Feels like I’m a shadow
to a feeling that pains all
it comes in contact with
skin and
ears and
heart
it doesn’t care about me
it just likes to hurt.
================================================
(Dec 25, 2006)
hands sweating
brain pounding
skin screaming
put that in a sentence and describe.
================================================
(Dec 25, 2006)
punching through punching through the thing that I’m punching through
here it is through the punch threw it threw it here it is I’m punching through
I hit it and went crunch I beat it…into a pulp into a pile of glass into that
thing which is lying there on ……….. the ground just lying there lying to me
it did lying they’re always …………….. lying there and here no place is safe
from it to lie to hope that………………… it just dies there on the ground there
here since it’s gone so………………………. I no longer have to work know
longer will I than you…………………………..what’s going on, here look here
my skin can you see…………………………….can you see my skin it’s crawling
it wants to go home……………………………….wants to elsewhere far far away
so instead of just……………………………………..leaving it tries to take me
with it, but does………………………………………..not ask me why doesn’t it
ask me? maybe………………………………………I wouldn’t mind going if it
asked me, feels like………………………………something is trying to get out
trying to hurt me please……………………….don’t let it something is pushing
its way through by way of……………………brute force something that I
don’t want to see something……………….that will hurt if it sees me first
pushing its fist through me it ……………. threw itself through me don’t let
it hurt me I can feel it biting as……….. it pushes its way, hitting and
clawing feels just like I want to go….and hide away before it’s done hitting
me black and blue punching a hole through my very skin just to get out I
don’t know why it can’t just punch a hole in someone else’s skin & go away
================================================
(Dec 28, 2006)
You tell me to dream,
but you don’t believe in my dreams
You tell me to hope,
but you tell me I hope for the impossible
You tell me to strive,
but not too high
You tell me that I can do it,
but not always
You tell me that you love me,
only when I do what you want
You tell me that I can do what I want,
but what you mean, is what you want
You tell me to believe in the day
but how can I, when I’m stuck in the night?
================================================
(Dec 29, 2006)
I sit in a dark room lit only by the pale crescent of a non-existent moon
I sit alone on a hard wooden chair
My eyes have long since stopped straining against the overwhelming darkness–
which is thick
It is like breathing in a cold, heavily moist fog
I am chilled where I sit
Yet I do not stand
I do not try to warm myself
I do not move
The cold is painful
like the silence that booms around me
It serves to remind me that yes–
I am alive
To move, would be to forget that life
To forget, would be to forget the meaning–
the pain
That life is there to serve
To forget would mean living without purpose
So I bear that cold pain
that booming silence
that hard chair
that thick darkness
In order that I might remember
That yes, I am alive.
================================================
(Dec 30, 2006)
urgh uck ugh
don’t feel so hot
ucky uufy uggy
feel quite bad
illy ishy iddy
stomach feels like it’s slopping around
iffy icky igh
up down, back forth
effy eggy eh
don’t like this
ech egh ergh
want it to stop now
agh argh ack
what can I do to make it hear me?
acky arky aaah
why do I think it would anyway?
oogy orgh okky
if my mind won’t,
ool ooky ow
what makes me think my body will?
================================================
(Jan 18, 2007)
I can feel something in my center
rotting, like an old scab
waiting, just waiting for the moment
when I let my guard down
when I think that I’ll be okay
so then it strikes,
darkness and mayhem
grief and destitution
explain it to me
so cold, so dark
why is it so heavy?
It sits deep within
just waiting eternally
burning away
at my center
with no thought
to my predicament
I can feel it in my mind
its fingers grapple with my
cerebral cortex
I can feel it in my skin
its claws tread lightly
down my arm
I can feel it in my heart
whose weight pulls me down
off-kilter, off-balance
face down to the floor
while the monster within
has its way with me
and so I writhe
hands gripped over ears
in an effort to escape
but it never works
so I stay trapped
a deep coldness within
a room so bright and warm
I should be laughing with joy
but am instead,
screaming with envy.
================================================
Here’s one all the way from 2001 -
Of blasted bears of bearing belts
That float the fleeting flying fleps
Of courting bastards that rule the day
And never feel that they have their way.
The horned holy hard old hold
Went further for and farther fold
And cowards were that which
Bravehearts were not.
And hating all,
I said to the horribly, hellish depths of hell
“Free me o’ God, from which I know not.
There’s nothing left for me on this twisted planet.”
God in hell? the thought blasphemes itself.
the icy depths of the wasteland that is that which we reside.
of horribly scarred demons and freaks alike
which aren’t the evil ones at all
And which are they society deems pure?
Show those that society feels broken and lost.
They cry to o God of heaven and earth,
from broken wastelands of broken thought.
Crumbling angels have broken down.
and fly to the earth and sky from which they are bound
bright lights no more, have all gone dim
lost in the fiery fields of sin.
sowing seeds of sorrow
and flocks of floods
flying without pain for lost deeds
melting for moods that never rang true.
Biting and tearing the flesh from our bones
the teeth that were good, are not anymore
They feed on the fears of all the good people
and the fears feed on them, of being found out.
Ripping and spraying the rooms with damnation
crying out in words and flowing with temptation
hellish fury we display our thoughts
deaf ears do listen, to silent pleas.
And blowing winds do arise
burning with incense and pride
Vain-like hope for tomorrow morn
hating all and feeling most forlorn.
Bruised skin and broken bones
pained mind and broken spirit
Hypocrisy reigns and evil is good
and good is hidden behind the true evil
and i don’t know which is which
the good seems so good
the evil seems so evil
and both switch places
Cowards are brave souls
and demons are beautiful
and beauty is cast out. . .
And I Am Afraid.
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Now, compare. Here’s one post-diagnosis:
(Nov 16, 2007)
Crunchy slices slippery with ice water
set on a cylindrical flattened state
to lie there unmoving in unending inertia
Underground lives the cousins
dirt choked, dark and grody
lacking elements of our lives
yet still, going on
stubborn, firm, unyielding
stronger, but weaker
until the time to be born
cast into the bright light of the world
shock breaks you away
life isn’t definite
nor the same for all
you can’t expect it to be
but still, living on
blinded, cold
clear lungs, strong center
healthy outlook
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