My, What Voluptuous Pupils You Have!

Why thank you! YES, I WILL go out with you.

Right . . .

Wouldn’t that be a nice pick-up line?

Continuing on with the thought:

Wow, how observant you are! No one ever notices; except for my ex-therapist and occasionally my mother!

Nice . . .

There are three reasons why my pupils might be larger than average; well, technically four ways, if you combine the first three into another category.

  1. Anxiety levels are higher.
  2. Am Hyper.
  3. In Pain.
  4. Anxiety + Hyperness + Pain

1. I’m diagnosed with cyclothymia; which, as my p-doc put it, is kind of like having baby bipolar. In a way, it’s almost like having regular bipolar with the rapid cycling thing, except that all of your extreme moods aren’t as extreme as someone diagnosed as being actually bipolar.

2. So if I get hyper, the longest it’ll last is a week, tops. They call that hypomania. And more often than not, I’ll do something like be hyper for 3 or 4 hours and then come down. We just hope that I don’t come down all the way. That’s what the Effexor is for, and mostly it seems to work, taking off the edge of my wildest emotions, but still letting me be me. And really, when my emotions are totally mad, I’m not me anyways.

3. Pain. I am hypermobile; meaning that all of my joints are too loose, and for the most part, they all extend farther than they should. I have bursitis in my knees and have twisted my ankles on numerous occasions. I also sprained my right ankle once at a cemetery. That’s right; a cemetery. I was going down some stairs, thought I was stepping out onto the leaf covered ground, only to discover that there was another six inches or so left to go, along with another step. You know me; I’m really special. Thus, while most people in the world invert their ankles while spraining them (ie – rolling), I everted mine. Yeah, my foot caught on the step and I went forwards, and that’s all there is to that.

Plus, I broke my tail bone when I was 13 on a lake. Right. A lake. I jumped off a diving board and landed wrong, folding up. My mother thought I was being too pain sensitive when I told her about it and wouldn’t take me to the doctor, so I spent the next 6 months sitting halfway on chairs.

As a result of having a broken tail bone (yes later, I did get this confirmed), my lower is spine isn’t in too wonderful shape; that, combined with seven years of marching band and carrying many objects that I probably shouldn’t have (like an oversized backpack), my back isn’t too happy on many occasions. Periodically, I get flare-ups; usually as a result of having done something, or having NOT done something. These leave me in precarious positions. The first time it ever happened, the first time I threw out my back, I thought that if I lay on the floor and did some stretching exercises, I’d be okay. Yeah, well, I couldn’t get back up for three hours, because whenever I moved my legs, they felt like they were on fire; and then, when I finally did move, it wasn’t because they felt any better, but rather because I couldn’t just stand to lay there all night. So I got up and moved in great agony.

Oh, but that’s not the most fun part. Imagine that you’re being burned from the small of your back all the way down to your toes. Only, you’re not dying and you’re not able to fall unconscious. Plus, if anyone sees you, they tend to assume that you’re fine. Sure, you might be moving with a limp, or not moving at all, but since they can’t see anything obviously wrong with you, then you must be fine and are probably putting on a act just to get out of something.

That’s not the case with all people, especially those who have experienced the same kind of thing, but for the majority of folks out there, if you’re not bleeding out your ears, then you’re faking, or being a wimp or something.

This particular flare-up is lots of fun (note the sarcasm), because while I can stand for short periods of time and sit, if I do it with lots of support, I can’t actually bend, squat, lean, walk without a stiff limp, carry, haul, drag, move, lie down, stretch or reach without some serious amount of pain. Like, if we’re talking about a pain scale, say 1-10, 10 being the worst and 1 being the best, then I’d say that today, I was at an 8 and yesterday I was at a 9. Compare that with my cramps, which are worse for me than most people; I’d stick them at say a 7. Plus, I’m have problems with proprioception– as in, I can’t hardly walk across a room with running or tripping into/over something. At bath time, I play a game that I’m sure some of you are familiar with. It’s called, “Where’d THAT bruise come from???”

So tip of the day is this: If someone is in pain and says so, don’t take it upon yourself to judge them for it. ‘Cause, as karma goes, it’s likely that someday you’ll experience having some kind of invisible illness/problem, and then you’ll get to see how it feels to be invalidated too.

Loathe to end the post on such a downcast note, I must ask a question. Did anyone see Leno last night (Jan 3rd, 2008)? He stuck some poor guy in a man-kini (man bikini) like right there on the spot; well the guy went and changed, but still. He had to shave himself, he ended up bleeding a fair amount, so when he came out, he was wearing band aids all yonder. Plus, you could seriously nearly see the man Bits. OMG. I thought most of what Leno came up with was pretty damn funny, but I think he might live to regret that one.

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~ by lastcrazyhorn on January 4, 2008.

10 Responses to “My, What Voluptuous Pupils You Have!”

  1. Wow…a mankini. I think the image is burned into my retinas. By the way, if it makes you feel any better, I once fainted at a cemetery…

  2. I wish that it weren’t burned into mine. That show is starting to remind me of finals week in the music building (always the worst for finals since music majors tend to take between 8 and 13 classes EVERY SEMESTER), because everyone’s sort of hysterical and things that shouldn’t be funny ARE.

    Why’d you faint?

  3. I watch NBC fairly often (or at least I do when we’re not in reruns), and often leave the television on afterward and let it play in the background. I usually turn it off when it gets to Leno and he says something bigoted – and usually, it’s anti-disabled, although I’ve caught homophobic and transphobic comments too. I’ve never left it on past the monologue, not once this past four months. I don’t have it on every night, though. Usually two nights, occasionally three.

    I also didn’t usually leave the television on after Heroes last season (which was the only NBC show I watched in 2006-07), so I can’t comment on Leno then.

  4. Also, I know the invisible pain thing well. I’ve had migraines (thankfully relatively mild – but still migraines) all my life, and my mother’s now-ex husband would berate and attack me for “faking it” to get out of whatever the heck he decided I was trying to get out of. I remember the day I actually came down with mononucleosis and could focus on nothing but my extreme nausea and he accused me of just faking illness to get out of school.

  5. Well, I haven’t watched tv in about 6, 7 months and just happened to turn it on. Lucky me.

    Was he your dad or step-dad? Either way . . . *growls*

  6. He wasn’t my step-dad, really, and he was only my dad in the legal sense – in that his name is on my birth certificate. However, he’s not genetically my father (thank god). My mother had extra-marital sex with an old boyfriend, which saved me from being related to him, but also probably contributed to a lot of my treatment at his hands. I don’t think he ever knew for sure, though. Just suspected strongly.

  7. So, the ol’ red haired step-child sort of thing, I guess. Well, I guess in a way you’re lucky. I’m definitely related to my father, ’cause everyone says I look like him. Yippee.

    *bangs head on wall*

  8. . . .

    actually, I have red hair, too.

  9. Well, aren’t I good!!!

    🙂

    My dad has red hair, actually.

  10. […] suppose another reason that this resonates more heavily with me is because a few days ago, I had a major flare-up with my back as a result of an old tail bone injury, and suddenly found […]

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