Four Letter Word Starting With F . . .

I’ve been trying so fucking hard this whole fucking semester.  Fuck.  And they don’t give a shit.  None of them.  Shit.  Fucking hell.

Now they’re going to gang up against me and take me down by force.

No I don’t know that for sure.

But I got an email from a prof this afternoon telling me that I had a meeting between him, Dr. C (remember from earlier?  She’s also my advisor), and Dr. H.  At least I have a chance at having at least one fucking advocate there.  Dr. S – the one presumably initiating the meeting – told me that we are going to be discussing my professionalism as a grad student, my musicianship, along with discussing my progress levels in his fucking Music Styles class.

I said to him after class, after he told me this in his office, I said, “Why don’t you just bring out the noose now?”  Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

During the test with this man that I had 2 weeks ago (the first night of the fever I might add), I started seriously considering signing up with Disability services, because there was no fucking way for me to cognitively sort through the test material in the time alotted.  3 score analyses – 4 scores (a comparison b/tw two) by Ravel, Debussy, fucking Schoenberg, and Stravinksy no less; in addition to 2 essay questions; 3 short answers; a tone row inversion/retrograde/retrograde inversion . . . in an hour and 15 fucking minutes.  No fucking way.  Then of course, someone had to make a fucking 98.  Fucking brilliant.

I of course, made the other end of the spectrum.  33.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

No fucking way.  I couldn’t even begin to consciously cognitate all that was being asked of me; let alone answer all of those questions in the time alotted.  PLUS – he didn’t give me the info needed to do the tone row stuff other than pure trial and error (gave us the letters without the staff, for anyone who knows this stuff).  Not only that, but this wasn’t a fucking score analysis – who the FUCK asks for score analysis on fucking Stravinsky’s “Rite of Spring” in less than an hour and fifteen minutes with nearly 10 other questions to discuss???  That’s not fucking score analysis, THAT’S FUCKING SCORE MEMORIZATION.  FUCK.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

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~ by lastcrazyhorn on October 13, 2008.

9 Responses to “Four Letter Word Starting With F . . .”

  1. LCH, I have grown to care about your well being in the short time that I have known of you. It is my sincere belief that you are indeed a driven and talented individual that can contribute greatly to the causes that are dear to you.

    You are also autistic, with all that that implies. Acquire a disability advocate. Have that person with you when you go in to this meeting. Do not use your status as an excuse, but do not apologize for it, either.

    The world ought to accommodate you a bit. At the same time, do not be afraid of having to… alter your current patterns.

    I am not quite sure as to how to tie all of this together into a cohesive thought, but I still feel that acquiring the aid of an advocate is most certainly not a step in a wrong direction.

  2. At this point, I doubt I have time to make that happen. I’d need to research that some more anyways. I can’t just make that decision in less than 24 hours. But I will start that researching process now, in light of your words and all that has happened.

  3. Agreed with scooter, although I also doubt (mostly from knowing the system) that you will have the luxury of obtaining an advocate in time for the meeting tomorrow. Remember that under no circumstances should you have to apologize for who you are.

    I think it’s good you’re getting all the F-words out before the meeting. 🙂 Try to refrain from profanity and that will help…

  4. I am considering signing up for Disability Services at my University just because it is then there if I may need it. I see nothing wrong in doing that.

    One of their services include allowing extra time for study, extending the due date. Or allowing more time during exams. Don’t know if you would be interested in this kind of thing but you could check anyway?

  5. As you have been trying so hard i do hope you manage to get some support for yourself.

  6. Scooter pretty much said what I was going to say. Use the system and get the help you need to get the education you deserve. You are obviously talented and it would be a shame if you were held back by a system designed only for the average person. Good Luck and best wishes.

  7. Im sorry for your struggle. I hope you find services to help you. I just want to give you a big hug after reading all that.

  8. UGH. Another F word you could use is FRUSTRATION, but that’s not four letters 😉 Fuck fits much better. LOL I hope you get to the Disability Services office quickly and get an advocate. Those kinds of tests that you’re doing are murder on an Aspie.

    BTW, Just got my son’s testing back from the neuropsychologist- my one twin is an Aspie. I’ll have to blog about that. My own results threw me down into a pit.

    Anyway…get some people on YOUR side ASAP.

  9. Oh man. Big bear hug to you… I think it’s a good idea at this point to sign up for the Dis. Svc at your Uni. I admire how you;ver tried as hard as you can to go it alone (not counting friends as advocates and supports that is), but I agree with the others… Use the services that you deserve so that your VERY obvious potential can be achieved!! Those who don’t see that potential are simply blind and not thinking outside the box. (so what else is new :-/)

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