Of Course I’m Pissed. Why Wouldn’t I Be?

There was a meeting Tuesday between me and 3 professors.  One of the things they mentioned as a problem for me was apparently I have an anger management problem???

No, but I do now . . .

For real though, I do not have an anger management problem.  I used to, but I don’t anymore.  It’s been many a year since I last slammed someone against a wall for pissing me off, more than half a decade, in fact.

They said I need to figure out what was pissing me off so much and then deal.

Well actually, you all are pretty well pissing me off.  Well, just you Dr. _________.  I’ve known for a year now that you’ve had doubts about my character, regarding my ability to be a good music therapist.  Everytime I have to do anything in front of the class, I go up there thinking, “She doesn’t think that I can do it.”

Other people go up there thinking, “I hope I don’t screw up,” but they figure they have a fair chance at being graded.  I go up there thinking that I better do a damn good job, since she already has me pegged as a failure.

I’m pissed off that it seems I have to earn everything that is just given to other people for free.  It’s always like this.  It’s always been like this.

I was talking to a friend about this yesterday and she surprised me with these words:  “Yeah, I noticed that.”

*headdesk*

She noticed it because she’s on the other side of the fence.  She’s one of the ones who gets given stuff in lieu of others not.  She says she feels bad, but she doesn’t know what she can do about it.  I told her not to feel bad, because it’s not her fault.  I should probably take my own advice.

I’ve been thinking about signing up for counseling anyways this semester.  I do it just about every semester when I’m in school anyways, even though I have every reason not to trust the counseling system, given how many times they’ve let me down (not here though).

This just gave me the push to get it done.  So I have an intake appointment next Wednesday.  I told them not to give me to anyone who will let me get away with bullshitting them.  I have a tendency to do that.  Defense mechanism.  Unless you pin me to the wall and ask me exactly what you want to know, I’ll slip out of your grasp every time.

More later, as this continues to process in my brain.

In other news, it’s the coldest day of fall thus far.  59 F/15 C.  Not that cold really, but nearly half of what we sat at for about 2 months this past summer.

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~ by lastcrazyhorn on October 16, 2008.

6 Responses to “Of Course I’m Pissed. Why Wouldn’t I Be?”

  1. I had a not dissimilar experience many eons ago. My pal was pals with the professor [socially] After our finals my pal told me that the professor didn’t believe I had the stuff to get a law degree and that even if I did, that’s I didn’t have the stuff to make it through law school.

    I was pretty upset at the time and worried about her motives for telling me the details of the private conversation.

    As it turned out the professor doubts may have been well founded but I came out of the factory despite this, not that it’s much use now I’ve changed continents.

    If it’s any consolation, which it probably isn’t, self doubt can be a great motivator for some, the ‘prove them wrong’ factor, as long as we don’t let it run away with us!
    Cheers

  2. Did you ever read Somebody Somewhere? I remember the author describing a really similar problem when she was taking courses with the intent to become a teacher.

  3. I know a little about anger mismanagement. Can’t say I know much about anger management

  4. My precious daughter, do not despair. I have absolutely faith in you. I had a hard time in graduate school too though for a different reason. They didn’t trust me because I was already 40 years old when I started. I actually “failed” a big exams that every Ph.D. candidate had to take at the end of the first year. I made a passing grade, actually, but the grading committee had to give me a “high pass” to let me stay in the program. I retook it and did well, but I learned later that they “failed” me because they had another 40-year-old in the program who did not do well, and they thought I was just another one like her!

    Anyway, what got me through that bad time and the rest of it all was a story my mentor told me. Actually, it’s a very old tale from medieval literature called “Sir Gawain and the Green Knight.”

    The story is that noble Sir Gawain gets in a fight with a huge green knight and lops off his head, which said G. Knight picks up and rides away with. The agreement is that the two will meet again in a year, when the Green Knight will get to take a whack at Gawain. So, a year passes, and Gawain goes through all sorts of contortions trying to find the green chapel where they’re supposed to meet. He finally finds it and is taken in at a nearby castle, where he is greeted warmly by the lord and lady. The lady comes to visit him every day while her husband is away, and Gawain barely manages to avoid being seduced by her even though she is very beautiful and very insistent. Finally, the challenge comes, but the Green Knight just wounds Gawain with a little scratch on his neck. He says he’s done that on purpose because Gawain proved he really is a noble man by not sleeping with the lady of the castle, who is in reality, the Green Knight’s own wife.

    At this point, my mentor always made the point that the real story is not the beheading game. It’s about whether the knight so challenged can stay true to himself and behave honorably while waiting to see if he’ll be utterly destroyed.

    That story came to symbolize for me the process of graduate school. The real challenge is not whether you can do well in classes or find your niche or anything else—it’s not the beheading game. The real challenge is whether you can live through all this without falling apart and giving up. If you can endure to the end, the prize is yours.

    So, do not despair. This is part of the graduate school process. I think your professors more than usually insensitive, however. The confrontation you described is exactly the sort of thing that would make an aspie crazy. Do you think that was intentional? Anyway, remember the story and see the reality of the situation! The real trial is not what they said but how you CHOOSE to react to it, with self confidence and calm assurance or with anger and self-destructive behavior. I love you and have every faith that you will choose the right path!

  5. we all have problems ,, you more than most ,, im sade for you ,, take care ,,

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