My Life Is Like One Ridiculously Complex HP Maze
Apparently, since it was all implied and not spoken outright, I didn’t completely understand what happened at the meeting between me and the 3 profs. I came away from that meeting shaken and crying hysterically. I didn’t know that it was the end of the road though.
They said to me that if I were doing my internship that semester, then they wouldn’t be able to approve me for it. I took that to mean that I had another chance to make things better and rise to their standards, whatever they may be. Apparently (I keep using that word, don’t I) they’ve had issues with me for a while, but just now decided to tell me any of them. So it doesn’t really matter that this particular thing happened. If it hadn’t have been this, it would have been something else.
This past Monday I had another meeting. This time, however, it was just between me and Dr. _________. Well, I say just . . .
S/he emails me last Friday asking what time would be good for me to meet with me on Monday. I say, “well, if I rearrange my work schedule, I can come at 2pm.” So the meeting gets set up and I go. I knock on the door precisely at 2, and s/he comes to the door. It kind of freaked me out, because s/he was smiling at me. S/he never smiles at me. That should have been enough of a warning.
I walk into the room and realize with a small start that the head of the department, Dr. ________ is sitting there. My prof points at Dr. ________ and says, “Oh I hope you don’t mind. I invited Dr. ______ to be here today.”
Being that I don’t know what the meeting’s about, I just merely nod and “okay,” in a slightly bewildered tone.
“Take any seat you want,” my prof says.
Seat nearest door, I thought to myself, sitting down nervously.
Prof sits down and says to me, “It seems that you’re unhappy with me as your advisor. So if you want to change, feel free to.”
Of all the scenarios I was contemplating being faced with, this was not one of them.
“Okay?” I respond in a questioning tone.
But no answers, no explanations come. They just sit there and stare at me brightly. I don’t say yes, because I have the sense that if I get cut loose from her and then try to switch to the other MT prof, I’ll be met with a blank wall of refusal. And then I would just be outta luck. Thus, I don’t want to say yes until I’m sure that someone else will take me.
They stare at me for a bit longer until I start making pointing motions at the door. “Should I . . .? Should I . . . ?” It went on like that for a bit until my prof said with an exaggerated start, “Oh! You may go.”
And I get out of there and proceed to wander the halls like a dazed war victim. People keep coming up to me asking, “Are you okay? You look really out of it.” And I answer that I don’t know if I’m okay. I don’t know.
So I email the other prof that night and ask if I can be hir advisee and s/he writes back with the message that we need to talk.
Thursday comes around and I go endure yet another meeting. Strange that for a faculty that the month before barely took notice of my existence to suddenly have a great hankering to speak with me all of the time.
I knock and walk in, asking if I should close the door.
“Yes, I guess you better.” Umm??? I might be stupid about picking up certain types of clues, but even I caught the strangeness of that statement. Instantly I was on guard.
One of the first things s/he asked me was what Dr. ______ said to me in the other meeting. I repeated what I wrote above, and s/he asked me, “Was that all?” Yes?
Well, it turns out that the statement about them not approving me for internship wasn’t just a temporary thing; rather it was a permanent position on their part.
S/he said to me in that meeting that I could continue on with the program if I wanted to, but without their recommendations I would never get into an internship and therefore never graduate. Just that simple. S/he went on to emphasize that internship was really hard, and that I just wouldn’t make it in that setting. S/he said that if they were to let me do an internship, my supervisor would be calling hir within the first week.
One of the things they called attention to at the meeting the week before was my tendency to apparently internalize other people’s pains and then in turn, try to speak for them without waiting to see them stand up for themselves?
S/he used an example of something that had happened the day before. In my class with the prof that I had the meeting with on that Monday, one of my friends was in the process of getting sick. By the time of the class, she was running a fever significant enough to turn her face bright pink and make her eyes look “glassy” as they often describe it.
During the class, our prof called on her for some role playing that we were doing that day, and I quipped that she was running a fever and pretty sick. I was thinking that our prof ought to know about her sickness and therefore pick someone else.
My prof that I was having that current meeting with asked me why I thought that my friend hadn’t spoken up. I said, “I guess that she was trying to please Dr. ________.”
Which s/he responded with, “Yes —-my name—-. Most people try to please their teachers.” S/he said, looking pointedly at me.
Oh. And that’s when I got it.
I was never to become a music therapist at this school, because I didn’t understand that the point of education is not to acquire learning, but rather to try and please the teachers, the oh so holy wielders of grades. You see, when you learn, when you acquire knowledge, that pleases the teacher. Really then, the acquisition of knowledge is just a by-product of pleasing the teacher. Oh.
That’s when s/he suggested that I transfer schools to a new music therapy program, and “make a fresh start.” Or I could change majors.
But in terms of my graduating from that program, I had already struck out.
~ by lastcrazyhorn on October 26, 2008.
Posted in abuse, anxiety, aspies, autism, Autistic Spectrum Particulars, bigotry, bullying, children with disabilities, communication, concentration, disabilities, discrimination, distress, education, empathy, Excessive fury, fear, Figuring stuff out, Guide to being an aspie, jobs, just one more painful memory, listening, mood disorders, music therapy, music therapy professors, music therapy students, oddness, pain, philosophy, Politics, really pissed off, social justice, special events, stress, stupidity
Tags: career change, forced career change, hopeless, inequities in education, injustice, teacher vs. student